Many people go about finding love in the wrong way. We meet; we do our best to please and impress our new companion. We tell jokes, laugh at his jokes, try to make ourselves interesting. We keep things light, talk about extraneous things like movies, music and musicians, sports, politics. We discuss our favorite television shows. This has some merit. At least we discover whether we have similar taste and things in common. We avoid being intrusive, by which I mean asking substantive questions that go to the heart of a person’s character. In “Dancing in the Dark” Jennifer is made a bit uncomfortable by Jacques’ probing questions. He wants to get to know her, and she finds that she is doing something usually outside her comfort zone. She is revealing significant facts about her life, in particular her relationships with her mother and father. Eventually she follows suit and questions him about his life. This chapter provides an example of how to get to know someone in an authentic and realistic way. At the end of the evening Jennifer and Jacques learn more about each other than some couples, together for years, ever learn. This I know from decades of work with couples.

Loving someone in a deep and true way requires knowledge. Who is this person that I think I love? What is his character about? How did he come to be the person he is? What do I feel when I am with him? How much do I trust him, his integrity, his veracity, his sincerity? Is he open about himself and does he let me in? If you can’t answer these questions then your knowledge of your lover is superficial, and you have more work to do. It is not enough that he makes you laugh and he is fun to be with. It is not enough that the sex is great, and you can’t take your eyes off of him. Over time other things will emerge that become more important. Can you depend on him when the bad times roll in, as inevitably they will? Is he a good father, patient, understanding, and loving with the children? Is he able to control his temper when he is angry with you, disagrees with you, or is cross about something you said or did? Does he continue to show concern about your needs, about your feelings and wishes, or is he selfish and thinks only about himself? And when there is a conflict, do you both make an effort to listen to one another, and eventually to resolve the conflict in a way that allows you to be intimate again? These are the things that truly matter in a lifetime relationship.

“Dancing in the Dark” is about the struggles of two couples to fight their way through misunderstandings, conflicts, and deeply embedded ambivalences to enduring and genuine love. The barriers and impediments are many, and they all must face the ultimate choice: to embrace or retreat from the availability of love.